What first comes to your mind when you see a giraffe? Probably not “nonviolent communication”. What giraffes have to do with communication and what we can learn from them.

 I first heard about nonviolent communication (NVC) some time ago. But as a peace-loving sort who tries to steer clear of strong language, I assumed it was more something for other people. How wrong I was! I realised this not long ago after finally reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg and going to an introductory course.

Improving interpersonal relations

NVC is a proven communication and conflict resolution strategy developed by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg more than 40 years ago. He adopted the term “nonviolent” in reference to Mahatma Gandhi’s nonviolent resistance. As a youth in the US, Rosenberg experienced how people of different skin colours came into conflict. He was also often ostracised because of his Jewish name. Influenced by these experiences, he devoted himself as a psychologist to the question of how speaking and listening affect mutual respect and interpersonal support.

The aim of nonviolent or empathetic communication is to make people aware of how habitual, automatic responses can evolve into conscious ones. The concept is based on the assumption that most interpersonal conflicts have their root cause in the fact that in dialogues we communicate our needs in the wrong way, namely often with judgemental and condemning language.

Giraffe language or language of the heart

According to Rosenberg, communication can only be successful in the long term if you can empathise with the other person and meet on equal terms and in an appreciative way at all times. For this he used the giraffe as a symbol, because its long neck gives it far-sightedness and it has the biggest heart among the animals living on land.

He described the aggressive language in our everyday life as jackal language. Jackal communication often involves sending you-messages (“you are”, “you must”, “you have”, etc.) or using generalisations (“always/never”) and justifications (“yes, but”). They make the other person feel bad or belittled in some way. Accordingly, they adopt a defensive attitude and the communication is unsatisfactory for both people involved in the exchange. Jackals think they know what’s right or wrong and believe they are right.

You might wand to check out a video with Marshall Rosenberg on the subject: https://youtu.be/elOHUpy1Ppo

Needs at the core of the communication model

In NVC you try to consciously avoid anything that could hurt or offend the other person. Instead you focus on the feelings and needs that lie behind an aggressive expression. NVC is based on the assumption that every human being has needs that need to be perceived and fulfilled. It also assumes that we all ultimately have the same needs, but try to fulfil them with different strategies. One person may fulfil the need for rest and relaxation by exercising in nature, another by reading on the sofa. So it’s important to first know the needs and not the strategy. One concern of NVC is to promote a different awareness of responsibility for your own feelings and thus not relinquish the opportunity to improve the situation to the other person.

Four steps of nonviolent communication
The concept of CSF consists of four steps to defuse a verbal attack.

1. Precise observation rather than evaluations, interpretations, judgements or generalisations: The first step is the perception and concrete description of the situation.
“You were half an hour late for our last two meetings.” (instead of “You’re always late.”)

2. Feelings rather than thoughts: Describing how I feel about it and what it triggers in me.
“It makes me feel insecure.”
Note: “I have the feeling that…” is not followed by a feeling, but by a thought.

3. Need rather than strategy: What need isn’t being met?
“I want to use my time wisely.”

4. Request rather than demand: A specific request should follow from the need.
“Could you please text me the next time you’re running late.”
“Could you please make an effort to be punctual next time?”

Rosenberg summarised these four steps in a rule of thumb: When I see A (observation), I feel B (feeling) because I need C (need). So now I would like D (request).

The psychologist himself emphasised that this was by no means new or surprising. It’s just that in everyday life we often forget the rules we know.

Empathy as the core of nonviolent communication

The key to NVC is empathising with the other person and recognising the needs behind what is said. If the person feels that their concerns are being taken into account, the central nervous system receives a signal of security – one of the basic needs of us humans. Just as important as empathic speaking is empathic listening. All too often we try to express our sympathy, relate our own experiences or give advice instead of just being quietly present.

Unfamiliar, but worth a try

As simple as the principle of NVC sounds in theory, overriding our usual linguistic reflexes in everyday life is unusual. Besides time and practice, it requires conscious awareness and presence in the here and now.

Personally, I intend to keep at it. My first attempts at trying it out with the people in my private life have been promising.